this is not a rap video
You ever come across someone who is good on paper, but not too good anywhere else? This is misadventure is about that guy.
This is a guy who was in the Air Force, and has an MPH and was teaching in Costa Rica and just moved to the city to get a new start. He’s staying with his best friend while he looks for a job and such. He’s from the south, he has a bit of a draw, but I’m not discriminating against him. Everyone deserves a shot, right? Right. But some people totally fuck up every opportunity that you give them.
Oh, you may ask how I know all this stuff about his jobs and background… it’s because after the first time we had a long phone conversation, he emailed me his resume so I could “take a look at it”. (Surprisingly he’s not the first guy to send me his resume. I guess this is what men do now to show you that they are who they say they are, or show off their fancy jobs and educational pedigree.. etc. On the other hand, if the best thing about you is your resume, I bet you’d be sending that thing to anyone who would look. I need to remember to tell you all about some of the other guys who send me their resumes- bankers mostly.) This guy’s resume was awful- no formatting- non-chronological- Ariel font, need I say more.
He asks for some suggestions on his resume, and I give them (starting with a MS Word template and Times New Roman), via email over the next week or so. He doesn’t want to listen to my suggestions, even though I look at resumes and CVs all day- but fine, whatever. We meet up a few times and hang out. He seems semi-normal, talkative, but otherwise ok. Then one day he’s hanging out in my apartment and he decides that this is the time to be off. He starts off by saying some shit like, “I like to murder the pussy.”
-(I think, um.. wtf, did he just say that?) “What?”
“Oh, ha ha, I don’t believe I just said that to you. What I meant by that was, I like to beat it up.”
-”Uh- what the hell are you talking about?”
Sensing that I’m confused and bordering on offended he offers, “Oh well it’s kind of like-smashing”
(He goes on like this, trying to explain himself and making it worse. Going from murder, to beating, to smashing, to crushing. I think at one point he even mentioned cutting.)
-”Look, I have no idea where this is coming from, but if this is your way of hitting on me, it’s not going well. Maybe you should stop.”
” This is stuff people say all the time. It doesn’t mean that I’m violent or anything.”
-”I don’t know who your friends are that you talk to this way, but I think it’s inappropriate. I know it doesn’t mean that you’re violent, but it’s still making me uncomfortable.”
“You’re overreacting. I was just being playful. It’s like when a 5 year old boy hits a girl on the playground when he likes her.”
-”And I think that’s inappropriate too! There’s nothing playful about violence toward women whether you’re 5 or 35, especially sexual violence. And I’m not overreacting, I think anyone would be offended by this- it’s not just because I’m a woman or anything. You’re sticking with this conversation, after I told you it makes me uncomfortable.”
“You’re overreacting. But I didn’t mean to upset you. It was a joke. I was being playful and you took it the wrong way. In fact last week you said something that hurt me but I laughed it off.”
-”Well whatever, I apologize if I hurt your feelings at some point last week, but doesn’t excuse what’s happening here. It’s not tit for tat. I think you have some deep misogyny issues that you need to work out. That’s pretty much what this violent language is leading me to believe.”
Weirdo.
To conclude… I don’t give a damn if “people say this stuff all the time”, my peoples don’t. Really, I don’t believe that you sit around with your boys and talk about “murdering the pussy”. But that’s neither here nor there- you are 33 years old and this is my home, NOT a rap video. Do I look like Lil Kim? Dude clearly has DEEP issues, perhaps stemming from his broken engagement, but that’s all conjecture. Anyways- it doesn’t matter how good he looks on paper, the next guy who sends me his resume, needs to attach a mental health report. For real.
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